ingetan moo-moo 2 tahun lalu

Dear Father in Heaven, (3rd of August 2006)

I thank You for Your unfailing faithfulness. I thank You for strength to overcome obstacles and to do what is right. I realized that without You I am worthless and weak. I realized that it is by Your Might and not by my strength I may overcome. Father forgive me, for I come with anger and frustration. I come with a heart that demands judgment for what is right and what is wrong. I come to shed tears of disappointment and bitterness for the things that I observed. Father, I bring my burden to You. I understand that Your answer may not be what I desired, I understand that Your infinite wisdom is sometimes beyond my understanding. I seek for Your truth Father. I know that I am far from perfect, I know that many things in my life still hurt Your heart. Father, please listen to my cry, to my questions, to my bitterness. For I know that You have the power to heal me, strengthen me to continue if I must. To You, O Father I may come, to lay my weary heart.

Father, I am filled with disappointment of what is called a Christian educational institution. Father I saw so many shameful things acted. I have to see decisions, policies, working environment that is far from decent educational institution, not even to mention Christian ethics. Politics everywhere, far more important than quality, compromise far more important than integrity, security and good impression from someone above far more important than standing up to say what is right. Father, I saw the so called Christian institution, which focused more on quantity of input than about the future of these students. I saw how the number’s game is more important than a good test result. I saw that any compromised must be taken for the sake of numbers and bottom lines. I saw that reasons can be made, to justifies wrongdoings. Survivability they say, a private institution they say, must watch the numbers to survive. No matter if the place is not ready, no matter if our equipments are obsolete, no matter if the quality of education being promised, must be compromised as far as possible. I saw that great words and great slogans are more important than truth. Selling seems to means lying or stretching the truth, and any Christian institution should not try to do otherwise. We love to create hype, we prefer to plan things unacademically, but looks great publicly. We take decisions more from what people will see, not what transforms character silently. It is not about the quality of those who graduated, it is about getting them graduated in time. Promises are cheap and flow abundantly, reality are full of false excuses and quality is always first to suffer. Father, O Father, how unchristian can we be? As foundation of Christian educations are to serve the truth and truth alone, as Christian should concern themselves in quality, in transforming character to be like Christ. What kind of example do we made? We show them from the very beginning that quality education is a matter of how much money you can pay, not about how much effort and hard work you did. We show them to distrust sweet promises, lessons of life that what you read in Christian institution posters and ads are more likely to be false. We show them that ambitious slogans are lies and gimmicks. Father, as our students enter classes so filled beyond educational standard numbers, facing so much less of us, what kind of quality do we offer? We are so few, a dedicated few, and some less dedicated few. Many times not enough time to give the best, sometimes to tired to teach, sometimes so brain dead with exhaustion to teach those who are here just because of the money they paid, not because they deserved to be here. Father, We thought that Christian education is more that just cognitive, we believe that we must live by example, we must live by our words, we must live so they may see a reflection of You. O, Father, how can we do that? Our class is so crowded we barely have the time and quality to give them the knowledge they deserve. Our proposals for upgrades seems to be small priorities compare to things that shines and glitters in publications. How can we reach their spiritual yearnings if we can not even educate their minds properly? How can we called ourselves educational institution, if we can not even deliver the education that we promised? How can we claimed ourselves to be a Christian institution, when our policies, our actions are so far away from the biblical verses that we so proudly displayed in our buildings? When we are more concerned in the victory and privilege to be God’s chosen than to examine our daily lives by His word? in our job? Father, where is the integrity? Where is the same integrity that Christ has shown in every word, in every act? Where is the reflection of You, the Father? Who never goes back on Your word, who is eternally consistent in Your covenant and promises. We can not even talk about integrity, our assessments are sometimes influenced by politics and unwise policies. We can not even claim ourselves as educators, as our needs, our fears and our own safety seems to play much important role than handing the right assessments. Father, how can we educate people? We do not even communicate like academicians. We talk more like robots, not academician, with inputs and codes governed by politics and individual interests. We taught them not of what is right and what is wrong, we taught them that anything is negotiable, standards are compromise able. We avoid differences of opinion, we avoid taking initiatives. Initiatives are dangerous, as scapegoats are plenty when things goes wrong, and glory seekers are abundant when things goes right. Taking initiatives sometimes means you have to do twice as much as work with no monetary gains. Asking for professional , monetary or any self gains are considered less dedicated and so unchristian, for we are here to serve, no matter how unchristian-like, underappreciated professionally we must be. Quality work does not translated to appreciation. Playing dumb and stupid is safe, and more profitable as salary increases are the same. Do not try to fix anything, follow the line please, do not cross it for everything might blow on your face someday. We received direct instructions, like codes entered, less explanation or discussions. Just what the output must be or else. No room for academic chat, no room for discussions of how things may be implemented. Critical thinking is great, as long as you don’t rock the boat, and only for teaching, not while you function as employee. Father, we are so devoted to You, we have fellowship weekly, praying and listening to Your word. ‘Your word’ that most likely talk about vision, about how to work together, how to serve You through this institution. Your word mostly accompanied by information's of what we have achieved, seldom about what we must fix. Very rarely about weaknesses that needs Your strength. We are more into self satisfaction of what we have achieved. Of course Dear Father, we always give You the majority of the credit, but never forget to mention ourselves, with some sidelines to praise our leaders and be noticed. Father, we love talking about strengths and successes, we hide weaknesses and never talk about it. We are too polite to exposed ourselves, we have our Christian ‘image’ to defend. Father, we seems to love our leaders so much, we appreciated them, we seek their approval in all things. We do not critised them openly, because we are Christians who are too polite to do that (and it seems that some critics will be answered with condemnation and harsh punishment). And because they are Christians who (most of them) seems to have difficulties with open critics. Father, is this the kind of leadership that Christianity have to be satisfied nowadays? Where are the humility? meekness? compassion? Where are the servant hood, the fundamental Christian way that the highest among us should be the servant of all? Too many pickled egos so preserved with pass achievements to be humble. Respect is always due and not freely given. Is this what we must called Christian education? Father I am so angry sometimes! I felt like my face has been painted with dirty words for all to see. I felt that I have prostituted my self academically in giving up to some policies, I do not deserve to be called an educator anymore. I am gradually reduced into educational prostitution. This is what we called Christian education! Father, even soft encouraging critics has been censored from publications, from so called academic publications! So much for building critical thinking! Father, I know and I openly proclaimed that I am filled with imperfections. I am still far from the kind of Christian educator that You want me to be. I struggle daily to discard my ego, my self pride, my selfishness. I do not want to feel self righteous, I am counting myself as part of this institution. I, as all of us, must work on our salvation, transforming ourselves to be what You want us to be. If only this kind awareness can be taught to everyone! I want to feel more for my students! I want always to be able to see them as gifts from You. Precious individuals that You have allowed me to be with. Precious individuals who in their life upon this earth, You have given me an opportunity to meet. To know, to teach, and to cherish. Every single one of them passing through my life, giving me an opportunity to be an example in some ways. O what a privilege to be, an educator, and even more specifically, a Christian educator. How can we bring them to You? if the examples around us teach them otherwise? If we as educators are not an open book for them to read upon? Being a good Christian educators does not means that we must always look perfect, being a Christian educator is an example of how God can work through our weaknesses, humility and repentance in all mistakes that we made. Example of how to face our mistakes in the presence of the Father, not to avoid them and pretend that it doesn’t exist. How can they find Christ through us? we talk and displayed our biblical verses, but our character is not transformed, our words give no assurance, our teaching and concern is more about ourselves. Father, why do we Christians treat our students more like objects? we pray for them in fellowships, but we took their money and give them less than what they deserve. How can we say we love them? Yes, we seems to care for them, we show them kindness, we show them compromise above discipline and truth.

Father, my grievances are many, and my bitterness is growing. Cleansed me O Father, for this is not what I want. I am here for the change, the vision, not for something that I saw all these times, not for this kind of bitterness. Father, we are so weary and sad, we are hardened with unfulfilled promises and contradictory policies. What should we do? Is there anything more we can do? Or do we have to shed tears for those who seek for the quality education that never arrived as promised? Do we have to cover our heads in shame and ashes for so many unchristian ways that we have to tolerate and compromise with each day? Do we have to abandon all hope of progress? Do we leave to where people need us and is more willing to do what is right? Forgives us Father, listen to our cries. we need hope, we need an answer to go on. I will close my ears to those who say that it is all okay. I will not accept the unacceptable and agreed with the corrupted acceptance of so called Christian education. Father, give me strength, never to compromise, to bear the punishment, ridicule, and harsh treatment if I must. To jeopardize my security if I must, to shed tears if I must. To start all over if I must. Not because of stubbornness, not for the sake of empty idealism. But for the right reason O Father, for true discipleship, for true integrity. For the future of our cherished students.